When you have depression, everything feels a bit dulled. It’s different for everyone, but for me my emotions sometimes feel a little out of reach. Well, my positive emotions at least.
It is so easy for me to feel sad, tired, upset or hopeless, but having any positive feelings at all takes a lot of effort. I know for people without a mental illness it might sound strange to have to work to feel good, but having depression makes every single thing you do a challenge, and you have to almost force yourself to do things that are fun, and force yourself to enjoy them.
That’s why, for me, feeling okay is such an achievement.
It’s a huge step for me to not wake up and start every day feeling miserable. Honestly, some days I actually wake up and feel hopeful about the day ahead of me. There were so many times when I never thought I would ever feel that way again. That I would ever feel okay.
But I do. I’m doing fine. Things are not terrible. Sometimes they are hard, and other times they are really easy, but generally everything is okay. I feel okay.
If I compare this to where I was a year ago, being okay is a massive step. Instead of being upset and overwhelmed constantly, unable to do what I needed to do day to day, I’m getting everything I need to do done and I’m feeling okay.
Of course, my goal is to keep improving until I start feeling good. I know that being happy all the time isn’t possible, but I’d love to be happy some of the time. But I still have so much time to keep improving and to keep getting better, and for the moment I think that feeling okay is being half way there.