Acting Out

The past few days I have felt really out of control of my emotions.

I’ve experienced everything from an extreme lack of energy to crying spells to what I think qualifies as an extreme mental breakdown.

I don’t really want to go into specifics, but this has been a really scary time for both me and my boyfriend. Feeling like I can’t control my emotions or my reactions is really difficult to accept or understand, and it was very upsetting to experience.

Today this kind of tantrum-like spell of depression broke into just quiet sadness and crying (which is something I can handle and understand a lot better), which helped me to realise that I think my body and my mind were just acting out.

Kind of like how a kid acts out when something they don’t like or can’t deal with happens. My mind and my body just got to a point where they couldn’t handle it anymore and I wasn’t listening to what they needed, so they acted out.

I’ve been pushing myself so hard to get better. I’ve been so focused on a routine, and doing normal people things, and work, and blogging – but I’m not able to do those things right now.

It feels so horrible to go backwards, but the past few days have made it pretty clear that I need a break. I need to listen to my depression. I need to give myself time to stay in bed all day and just breathe.

It sucks to have to start again. To have to go back to just trying to keep myself safe and sane. But I’m not okay. And pushing myself to act like a healthy person who can handle day to day life is not helping me at all.

I want to take this space to say sorry to my boyfriend. I’ve been a living nightmare to be around, and I don’t want him to have to experience that. I love him so much.

I really hope that I start feeling better soon, or at least start feeling different. I would settle for feeling different.


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