I’m Trying Really Hard

I’m trying really hard to love the location that my partner and I are currently posted at. Or at least to like it.

We’ve been here for six months now, which is almost as long as we were at our last location, but it still feels like I haven’t settled in here.

I’ve found so many places I like to go and things I like to do, but it feels like the longer I’m here the more downsides I find, too.

I was just wrapping my mind around the cyclones and storms of the wet season, but now that it’s the dry season the air is so full of smoke because of burning off that I can’t spend any time outside. I also can’t have the windows open. I’m feeling very trapped. On top of this, the burning off is raining ash down all over our house and backyard, clouding up the windows and getting all over the clean clothes hanging on the line.

I’m also currently dealing with an ear infection. Since I’ve moved to Darwin I’ve had three severe ear infections – one of which landed me in the emergency room – and two styes, which I have been told is all being caused by the high humidity levels in Darwin.

It’s this current infection that has me feeling really defeated. There are aspects of a posting that I can deal with, like not knowing anyone, having to get my bearings in a new place, or spending lots of time alone. Sure, I don’t like it, and I don’t handle change very well (although I do adjust eventually), but I get used to it. But what I don’t think I can handle is the environment here causing me unbearable pain every two months.

I could understand if this was my body adjusting to living in Darwin, but it is less humid now and these horrible ear infections are still happening. I feel so ridiculous saying it, because an ear infection is usually something that you think a little kid would get, but these hurt so badly. They impact my balance and my hearing. It feels like that whole side of my face is going to burst.

And we’re going to be here in Darwin for so long, I don’t want to have to deal with this for years to come. It doesn’t feel fair that I can try so hard and do everything I can to settle and be comfortable here, but the weather is so awful that it literally makes me sick.

I hate to bag out my boyfriend, but I don’t think he really gets it either. He knows that I don’t feel well, but I don’t think he understands how much it upsets me to know that this is only happening because of where we live and I can’t leave for a long time. He always tells me that I’m too sensitive, but sometimes I wish that I could have a few hours of unconditional support. It’s not my fault if I’m sensitive. That’s just who I am.

As if that wasn’t enough there is so much army stuff happening with both him and me than rates from a pain in the butt all the way up to a major inconvenience, but I’ll have to leave that for another post.

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